Tuesday, 15 May 2018

Day 9 - I will celebrate even the littlest of successes.

I got out of best yesterday. (Success #1).

However, I didn't just get out of bed once, I got out of bed three times. Now THAT is some accomplishment. Getting beat down by life three times in one day, only to rise from the bed each time, and then, with a great amount of mental effort, attempt to salvage something of it. HUGE.

I went back to bed the first time, as soon as John left for work at 6am. I decided I wasn't in the mood to be awake. Too much "stuff" was going on in my head and I was spiralling downwards fast.  An hour later Kale called me to enquire about the weekend.

Instant shot of happiness. I got out of bed after the phone call and headed to NSCC to pick out my courses for September. It was a nice day, great walk. But it did little to cheer me up. I walked through the cemetery where i had spent more time than I'd care to admit as a child, playing in. I realised I missed the cemetery. I missed how simple life was back then. I missed looking at the names on the stones and imagining their lives. I missed imagining the life advice these dead people would give, if they could...

Unfortunately, I accomplished very little at NSCC because the people I needed to see, that had the information I needed, weren't around. Lovely. I walked back home, dejected, through the cemetery, no life advice from the dead, more spiralling downwards (I had more ammo at that point) and I crawled back into bed.

3 hours later John called me. Another shot of hope.

I got out of bed and thought about going to the YMCA. I thought about going running. Instead, I cleaned up the back porch and the kitchen I then made the kitchen a huge mess again by attempting to make Vegan Samosas, Vegan Cabbage Rolls, and Salmon Fishcakes for John. I then cleaned up the kitchen again before John came home from work.

I'll take the little successes as I can.

Three times in one day "life" (AKA "the story my mind tells me") kicked my ass, and I got up each time.

Spiralling downward is never fun when it happens. The craziest thing is that I watch it happening and I know it isn't real. They are just thoughts. But it feels real when it is happening, and my mind can come up with some pretty elaborate storylines.

Change my thoughts, change my day...

But isn't it strange how I miss the cemetery. I wonder if I can get a job there?

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